Confidence.

Monday, Sept. 26, 2005 ~ 7:11 p.m.

You woke me up and you slit the throat of my confidence..

I really don't have any confidence, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I don't know, sometimes I feel like, as a fat girl, I don't have a right to be persuing men, that if someone is going to lower himself enough to date a girl of my stature, then he'll come along on his own and make the first moves. It's difficult, because you wonder if your personality has made enough of an impact for him to forget about your flubber. I feel like skinny girls laugh at me for even trying. It's sad, really.

I used to be extremely confident, very happy go lucky, but the way it works now is that I see guys, I pine for them, nothing happens, the end. Am I foolish for even imagining that things might happen? It's hard for me to know, having always been a fat girl, what other (skinny) people feel about fat people. Are they repulsed at the thought of touching/hanging out with/eating with/hugging them? Does it matter to them at all? Do they think "She's a nice girl but really, she should look after herself better."? It's hard for me to even imagine it because I have never ever in my entire life been skinny -- even when I was a baby, I had these massive fat cheeks that covered up my eyes almost and made them squinty. I've been doomed since birth. Even if I lost a lot of weight, with the width of my shoulders, my hips and the length of my feet, I would still be physically incompatible with 90% of the guys that I am interested in.

How long can a girl be shackled to you? How long til my dignity's reclaimed? How long can a girl be haunted by you? Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name.